I’m certain that there must be some day of the week dedicated to deep thinking. This week, it is Wednesday. Because that’s TODAY!

Icicles in the Bushes, 2010.

Today I went out for a walk and photo shoot. I missed the bright sunshine by merely an hour, but it was perhaps good since I wanted to do some futzing with my point-and-shoot digital camera. I’ve had it a long time, and it’s really quite low-end, but it’s currently what I’ve got. So, I left the comfort of my warm living room and bundled up for a brisk walk in the winter wind.

I’ve been dreaming of Diana’s and Polaroids and a Rebel T1i these days. But I wanted to experience the feel of any camera in my hand as I wander the streets of my quiet neighborhood. I knew my battery was running low, but I didn’t want to wait for it to charge. I headed out with the knowledge I wouldn’t be gone long, but I should make the best of what I’ve got.

This statement is true on so many levels these days. And yet, it’s not enough.

Last night, the power cord for my computer went on the fritz. It was the most recent in a long and ever-lengthening line of electronic problems I have been battling for the past few months. Being currently unemployed, this list seems not only to lengthen, but to deepen, creating more stress and anxiety as it grows. And so I cried. I absolutely lost it, curling up into a weeping pile of dirty laundry (as my friend Rain calls it) and sobbed with the door shut and no one, not even my cat, to comfort me.

Until she came in.

Yes, the ever-loving roommate and friend, whose words are always soothing and whose gentle touch can make even tears downy-soft. She came and sat with me, breathing slow and deep, until I finally calmed down enough to talk about all the chaos.

See, it’s never been easy. I don’t expect life to come easily, but some days I’d like for it to be a little less of a challenge. It seems that one thing adds to another, which snowballs into a cascading drama of pathetic misery until I cry. Some days it helps to cry. But not every day. Not crying every day.

So today’s deep introspection is about how I sabotage myself. How I know that I could succeed, but since succeeding isn’t something I’m used to, I purposely get in my own way, interfering with all my creative and kinetic energy to obstruct my path toward sustainability and health and freedom.

I’m not exaggerating here. I am the best self-sabotager you will EVER meet.

The only person I can let down is myself. And yet, by sabotaging myself and making really, REALLY poor decisions, I’m also hurting those around me who love and care for me. And I don’t want to hurt them.

Let it be said that I have a very thick skull. Really. I’ve known all of this for years. In fact, I have even helped others out of the SAME spot with the SAME advice.

Spinning Succulents, 2010

Hello, my name is Sara. I am a drama-holic.

Some of us have to fall really far, really hard, in order to see the reality of our situations. I am one of those people. Addiction of various forms runs in my family. While I did not choose drugs or alcohol for my addiction, I did choose drama. I did choose stress. I did choose to be addicted to close-mindedness, to tapes and patterns which tell me that I will never be anything. I will never succeed. I will never …

Making the best of a situation is one thing. But settling for less than the best — That’s ridiculous. And so NOT okay.

So, I’m cleaning. Deep cleaning. I’m going through all the boxes in my mental attic and finding all those tapes, all those patterns, all those addictions. It’s like mental rehab. I find them all, I face them all, and I through them away. My mental garbage trucks are purple (my favorite color), and they will all be FULL when I’m through with this.

See, when the closest person to you doesn’t sleep well because they’re worrying about you, it’s not fair to them. Really, that was the final straw. It’s not okay to put another through this hardship. And really, it’s not fair to me, either.

So, first task on my agenda: finish the worksheets created by Susannah. Then, mapping out my creative existence as it is now, and where I would like to head in the next three months (because this is HUGE work, and I need to start small or I KNOW I will get overwhelmed). Finally, fresh sheets on the bed and possibly a photo shoot — I think I see sunshine!

Thank you to all those who love and treasure me, even (especially!) when I am a pain in the arse. And thank you to all you who have gone before me, blazing the trail to self-created lives … Really, you bring me strength and hope.

Oh, and my word for 2010? BELIEVE.

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