This has been a curious week.

Monday, I dropped off two camera bodies and two lenses to be examined. My housemate brought them up from her basement, having stored them for over a decade. We knew there was the possibility that neither was working, and would take a significant amount of investment to begin operating. But it was at least worth it to see.

Tuesday, I had a phone interview for a summer job with a local campaign office. It’s nothing fancy, and it doesn’t start until the end of April, but it at least means that sometime soon I’ll have an income. I took the job because it allows me to still work on my freelancing while being an activist, something critically important to my self-identity.

Wednesday, after much conversation, I decided to pick up the cameras at the repair shop without having the work done. It was a sad decision, because there are some very beautiful lenses which attach to a GAF camera which won’t fit on any other mount. However, we did have a victory (of sorts) with the other camera:

This is a late-1970’s Olympus OM-1 35mm SLR. The lens is not the one originally had for the camera, but one I found at a camera shop in town on Wednesday afternoon, after picking up the body from the repair shop (which is total fate, since this camera has the Olympus bayonet mount, which is entirely proprietary and not easy to fit). It’s an incredibly exciting moment here, because it means that I now have a nice, working 35mm camera to start shooting the things I want, and am not solely required to use my point-and-shoot digital Olympus.

Today is Thursday. I have spent the morning doing the deep processing work of clearing out all the old tapes which have tried to (and often succeeded, but no longer) tell me I am not good enough, not smart enough, not ________ enough. I cannot say that I have tossed out every tape, but I’m working diligently on removing them. The key, I have learned, is as with any clearing out: Sometimes it’s okay to leave empty space. Just be certain that the empty space isn’t filled with something equally harmful. So in this cleaning, I have also been trying to fill my head and heart with love, with peace, with trust, and with integrity.

I’ll be the first to admit: I have made many poor decisions in my life. I have hurt people, and I have been hurt. The first steps to my own success is going to have to be forgiving myself for the wrongs I have done others. The second step is letting go of the old tapes given to me by the people in my life who were still listening to their own old tapes (my parents, other families, former partners, etc.). I am not being helped by these tapes telling me I’m not enough. They’re just weighing me down, giving me more and more baggage to carry.

So the road to my tape deck is open only to positive information. I only want to hear good things. I’m done with this not enough business.

I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH.

I am worth so much more than I have ever given myself credit to be. I am worth all possible dreams and beyond dreams. And I am ready to embrace this in the world. Totally ready.

I am taking the first steps. Due to a random twist of being in the right place at the right time and paying attention and having a certain set of skills combined with a full shot of serendipity, I’ll be joining Andrea and Jen in the upcoming spring session of Mondo Beyondo.

Serendipity. I love it. Hooray for opening up to the Universe and it’s abundance.

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