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Ripple on Lake Bemidji, Olympus Digital

I’m preparing to take the plunge.

I’ll admit, I’ve been procrastinating. I have felt this incredible sense of resistance in my skin, in my head, in my heart. Especially in my heart.

“What if it hurts to be happy?”

I know. Seems absurd, right? Like, how on earth could it possibly hurt to be happy???!!! Isn’t the very definition of happy something which includes “not feeling pain” when feeling happy?

This may come a surprise to some, but I’m not always a happy person. I’m not all chai tea and good books and walks through a rose garden. Sometimes I’m downright in despair. Some days the tears well up from my toes and all I can do is keep changing my shirt from the snotty drips.

So I decided to look at this. I mean, what is Mondo Beyondo about if not facing our fears, facing the things which hold us back from our wildest, deepest dreams and desires? And how much good are we doing if we say we want to follow our dreams, open our souls to the Universe of possibilities, and then continue to hide behind the old tapes and the gremlins on our shoulders and the beliefs that happy isn’t okay, happy is bad, happy hurts.

To be honest, I’m not certain I can pin-point the origin of this belief. I know it terrifies me. I know that I have held it for a very, very long time. I know it holds me back from my true potential.

It’s been so difficult at times to be me. Many, many people see a potential in me that I have not yet realized. They encourage me, send words of support and praise, nudge me toward my dreams (or what they believe are my dreams). They have the best intentions in their hearts. They want me to be happy. They want to see me happy. They want happy.

What they do not see is me cowering under their words of encouragement, trying to avoid them like sixth-grade dodgeball games. What they do not see is that I am afraid to follow my dreams, am afraid to take the leap.

I am afraid to be me.

And so I sit with her. I sit with me, and her fear. I sit with opportunity, and courage, and quiet. We sit and watch the birds at the feeder, the cat in the window, the sunshine on the neighbor’s garden.

We watch the moving truck in front of the neighbor’s yard. She comes up with an idea:
What if we packed up all the fear, all the stuff that isn’t helping us any longer, and we put it on the back of that truck? No one would know, because it would be invisible (mostly, and it would do no harm.This way, when someone opens that package in 15 years, she will learn: You have no reason to be afraid.

I have no reason to be afraid.

Here goes nothing!

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