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Afternoon Snack, Blackberry Curve

Warm Moroccan lentil soup and crusty bread. Cool grey day. Watermelon sangria. Finally knowing that I didn’t make a mistake, I stood up for my true self. Being okay with that strange and wonderful realization.

I put my heart out there. I didn’t realize the risk was so great until I was in the midst of it all. The idea was simple: spend some time having fun, being adored, getting to know one another. Let that carry on for months. Do NOT rush into something I’m NOT ready for. Practice deep, loving self-care. Follow my heart.

I didn’t understand your intentions. I didn’t understand that you wanted to make the choices, the stay-or-go decision, the ultimate. I didn’t understand that I couldn’t have my fears, my doubts, my insecurities.

Perhaps it was a mistake to let you in. I don’t believe that, though I am sorry where it took us was to goodbye. I am sorry you feel betrayed. I feel that, too.

You have given me great gifts, though. You have shown me my edges, the boundaries of my own self, which have been non-existent for so long. You have given me the courage to stand up for myself, to be myself, to not change for another. You taught me that, no matter how deeply I want to be loved, I cannot mould life into some love that it is not.

I cannot force love into existence.

Of course I am unhappy with the way things ended. Of course I never intended to hurt anyone, but sometimes what we think is pain is growing pains, still as uncomfortable but very necessary. Someday, you will look back and be glad that life happened in this exact sequence, that all the things that could have happened didn’t, and that makes all the events that follow somehow more perfect. Someday you will not be angry with me. Someday, someday…

I am waiting for a train to take me on a journey. I am standing at the station, toes against the track, just a suitcase in my hand. I am going far away, far into the center of my self. It is much like a trip into the center of a tornado, the calm of the eye my destination. It is there I will pause for just a while, long enough to catch my breath, and travel again through the other side. I am waiting for a train to take me to the ocean, the one place my tears match the water below. I am waiting for a train to travel West, beyond the mountains, beyond the desert canyons. I am headed for the ocean, for the green forest and pale lavender and the agates I hunt at sunset. I am waiting to return to the ocean, waiting to return to quiet and stillness and that cabin on an island in the sound I have dreamed of for years.