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Prompt: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

Wow. 2010 was definitely a year filled with lessons about my self. But the one that immediately jumps to mind is the lesson of resiliency. I am an incredibly resilient human being.

After a voluntary eviction from my first “grown-up” apartment, and moving in to the generosity and open heart of a dear friend, I struggled deeply with my sense of self, and especially with my sense of worth. I had always tied my worth into my work life, into my “things” — my home, my income, my stuff. Not because I believed that my belongings defined me, but simply because I hadn’t had much growing up, and so the more I had (in both physical things and places to belong), the “greater” my life had become.

And then I didn’t have a steady income for 7 months.

I made enough money to pay the smallest of personal bills, but I was certainly living off the kindnesses of others. I told myself I was working on re-building my freelance business into more of a small-biz business. In reality, I was wasting time. I was dallying on the inter-webs. I was watching old episodes of television shows I started watching in college, when I felt more alive. I ate a lot. I didn’t get out much. I was bored. And, to be honest, fairly boring.

One day I woke up.

I realized that I wanted more from myself. I wanted to travel, to learn, to nurture and record stories. I wanted to take pictures again, after spending years away from a camera. I wanted to write again. I wanted to explore the quiet places in my heart, my mind, my spirit. I wanted to create rituals and bring magick to the everyday.

I wanted to be alive again.

I have spent the last few months shaking the dust from my bones, sweeping out the cobwebs and opening the windows of my eyes and ears. It has taken a lot of hard work (which is no where near complete), but I finally feel like my heart is starting the gentle quiver of a cocoon preparing to release her butterfly.

I could have given up a year ago. I could have succumbed to the old tapes of unworthiness and failure. For a while, maybe I did. But these are not the voices which speak from my soul. These are the voices of others outside me. My own true voice sings a quiet tune while cooking, speaks poetry when folding the wash. My own voice shares the beauty of a summer thunderstorm and the sharpness of sub-zero mornings. My voice speaks of honesty, integrity, truth and life.

My voice lives strong in my heart, in my throat. My voice does not back down or surrender to the doubts of others.

I do not give up. I carry through.

I AM.

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