Shatter

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what if you believed that whatever power you have right now is enough to make a real difference in the world? what kind of difference would you make?

I stumbled upon this question through a tweet by Rachael Maddox. I undeniably believe that the Universe is consistently conspiring to provide us with the connections, inspirations, and nudges (and sometimes swift arse-kicks) that we need to propel us forward into the next steps of the journey. So when I read this question, it really resonated with me as something connected to a thought I’ve been stuck on all day.

This morning I learned that TED is coming to Madison in the form of TEDxMadtown. My dream of sharing the incredible experiences and opportunities of TED with members of my community is suddenly being pushed forward by a group of thought-full and inspired thinkers.

An hour before I learned about TEDxMadtown, I read through all the information provided about becoming a TED Fellow for the TEDGlobal conference. Attending a TED conference is on my dream list, my bucket list, my Mondo Beyondo list, my 5-year goal list, and several other lists. I am not a woman made of money, nor do I have access to unlimited funds. But coming together with a group of incredible intellectuals and change-makers to look at the way of the world and work for the best in it — THAT is a dream come true. So to apply for a fellowship is a way for me to potentially engage with the TED world and it’s movers-and-shakers in a way that is attainable AND allows me to connect with means and ways of sharing my own ideas and world-changing potential.

So thinking about TED and the question Rachael presented lead me to this:

Right now, I would travel and learn the stories of women and girls around the world — through words and images. I would not worry about how I was going to afford the travel and lodging, but find methods of supporting myself along my journey. I would continue to share my own story, and be honored to share the stories of those women who will let me, with the world. I would encourage the women I meet on my journey to share their own stories. I would bring their stories to the leaders of countries, of international communities, of global policy makers. I would not hesitate to bring amazing stories into the public eye. I would not back down from the fear I discover in my own heart. I would support women and girls in facing their own fear.

I would not let another person be silenced.

For now, I am resting in the knowledge that I have the ability to make a difference, that even supporting one woman in telling her story makes a difference, that my voice is strong and clear and carries a message. I rest in this moment of stasis, where things inside me are being nurtured and gestating before springing forward with clarity and vision. I rest in this certainty I have created, the safety and stability I have crafted from nothing; I rest knowing that this certainty must be even just slightly shattered for me to follow my dreams.

Tonight, I rest.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

#Reverb10 Things: 2011 With a Lighter Load

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What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. Doubt
2. Anger
3. Regret
4. Pessimism
5. Denial
6. Loneliness
7. Distraction (self-imposed and external)
8. Perfection
9. Mis-management (time, money, energy, money, strength, wisdom, space, money, energy)
10. Unhealthy choices (food, exercise, relationships, self-care, employment)
and perhaps, most significantly,
11. Poverty

This last one is the hardest for me. Coming from a family of working-class, hard-working, always struggling people, I never learned money-management skills. Especially how to save money. Additionally, I’ve never believed that I deserved to have the money to fulfill both my needs and some of my basic wants (a quality camera, some travel time, quality bicycle gear — especially for winter).

So, 2011, here’s the deal:

I’m done with being poor. I’m done with not having enough, with relying almost solely on the kindness and generosity of others, of foregoing some of my favorite activities due to (a lack of) funds. I’m done with feeling a lack in my pocketbook.

I am ready for abundance. I am ready for bountiful creativity. I am ready for work that nourishes my soul and feeds me (literally and metaphysically). I am ready to share more than just my talents and energy, but to also provide financial assistance as I am able and it is needed. I am ready to follow my passions: yoga, photography, travel, writing, cooking, international human rights work, magick, documentary photography/filming; the list goes on, but all interests center around storytelling, self-exploration, and being a catalyst for positive change.

I am ready to step fully into my amazing, awe-filled life.

2011, here I come.

 

#Reverb10 Community: My Own, Personal Twitterverse

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I admit, I was very slow to join the Twitter bandwagon.

I was afraid that I would feel awkward, that I wouldn’t have any followers, that I mean seem like a stalker if I started following and interacting with the authors of blogs I read daily. I was REALLY scared of coming across as that crazy young girl who looks up so adoringly at the amazing bloggers she loves.

I’m not sure what the deciding spark was, but I remember very hesitantly building up my list of people to follow. I wasn’t sure who would follow back, and I wasn’t surprised when many of the folks I followed did not immediately follow me. I also didn’t understand the idea of spam-bots on Twitter, and spent many of those first weeks weeding through spam comments to get a clear understanding of what to look for and how to protect myself.

But I have done some incredible, amazing things through Twitter. I have dreamed with Mondo Beyondo, planned several dream trips across the globe, crafted plans to move England to the US, and expanded my web of creative souls to span every continent. I’ve made incredible friends I would have never otherwise met, and I have discovered my own internal strength and amazing abilities, cultivated and nurtured by a cohort of like-minded gentle souls.

So for all the friends I’ve made, the letters I’ve sent across the planet, the Skype calls, the virtual hugs, and the spinning teacups of this tiny, tiny planet, I say to Twitter and all the beautiful souls creating it:

thank you.

 

#Reverb10 Writing: Distraction

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Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

I just opened my computer to write this post.

Almost an hour ago.

I checked my email, caught up on Twitter, sent a few replies to questions about my workshop, changed the playlist 4 times, caught up on my calendar, and then remembered I had this blog post open.

This is only the tip of my ability to distract and delude myself. It is the most detrimental activity I can do, as it muddies the clear stream of thought I bring to my desk each morning. I find I have no restraint or even management of my …

I literally couldn’t finish typing the above sentence without getting up to reheat my tea, renewing some library books, and responding to a few tweets I caught on my Tweetdeck notifier box. Seriously. And then I went and researched a knitting pattern I have been wanting to try. For an hour.

Perhaps this isn’t just a matter of distraction. Perhaps this is about commitment.

Committing to the stories hiding in my heart. Committing to the stories which are asking to be told. Committing to the stories that frighten me, that anger me, that terrify me should I tell them. Committing to making the words be my primary relationship.

Committing to making ME my primary relationship.

For most of my life, my needs have been made secondary to all others, including: family, friends, children in need (across the globe), the planet, work, school … The list continues. It seems that somewhere along the way, no one taught me that is was OKAY to have needs, and  — this is the most important part — that I was ABLE to meet them. In my family, it seemed that certain people’s needs were always put first, and so I learned by watching (and feeling) that it wasn’t okay to think about my needs.

I think about the choices I made as a teen: cutting, anorexia, suicide attempts, long aimless poems used as cries for help; none of it seemed to matter. It wasn’t until a stint in the hospital got the attention of those around me that I finally was noticed. That my needs became important.

I no longer believe that it should take a crisis to be noticed, that I should be quiet and not talk about my needs until a tipping point is reached. I learned (though am still uncertain how) that my needs are my needs, they can’t be ignored or denied, and I am responsible for meeting those needs. I learned that it is okay to say no to someone when doing it hurts, because saying yes would hurt even more.

I’m no guru.
I’m not even a great.
I’m a woman who is striving for wholeness.
For needs met.
For wounds healed.
For strength and love and wisdom and honor.
For integrity.

Today, I am a woman who loves herself.
Today, I am a woman who is committed to herself.
Today, I am a writer, a teacher, a dreamer, a Creatrix.
Today, I am a focused, dedicated woman.

Today, I step into the long and beautiful journey of making the needs of my heart my first priority.

Today, I am committed living my life fully, to engaging with my path, and to birthing the gifts I am bringing to the Universe.

 

#Reverb10 One Word: Journey

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A post for #reverb10.

Looking back on 2010 is easy. I had so much happen, but I am blessed to have journal entries, blog posts, and friends who can reflect back to me the amazing journey I have traveled in the past 12 months. And I have my memories, the experiences stored in my cells for reference and resilience.

2010 has been a journey from the deepest parts of my being, the scary, the ugly, the fierce places I have cowered and struggled with so much of my life. 2010 has been the journey to face my fears, face the people who hurt me the most, and to show them (and ME) how much I have grown. How I am not that scared, angry girl any longer.

2010 has been (and continues to be) a journey of learning to accept, to surrender. I have allowed others to house me, feed me, clothe me, and support me when I could not support my self. I have let go of the idea that you shouldn’t accept charity, because charity has truly saved me. The generosity I have experienced in the last year brings me to tears when I think of it (which is almost daily).

2010 is a year of discovering my gifts, of stepping on to my true and right path, of standing up to those who try and harm me, and finally using my voice to speak my truth and stand up for myself. This may be the scariest thing I have done, but I do it with humility and voracity. I refuse to be silenced EVER again.

Ever again.

2010 is a journey that continues, and is a continuation of all the years before.

Looking forward to imagine back, I see 2011 being the year of adventure. Of travel, of new experiences, of new love (Universe, I am SO ready for this), of honoring my path by staying on it and not veering off in fear.

2011, I welcome you with open arms and a loving embrace. Let’s hold hands on this journey together.

 

Vulnerability and Growth

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Please watch this, share it, and take her words to heart. This woman is on the right path.

 

The Storyteller’s Path

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Becoming a storyteller is such a journey. I did not know that when I answered the call to follow my true path I would be accepting the responsibilities of a storyteller. Although it could be said that all writers tell stories, I do not believe that all writers are storytellers.

Being a storyteller is about bringing to life a moment in time, of capturing the essence of an experience and distilling it to it’s Universal truth, all while maintaining the feeling and expression of the situation. It’s not about purple prose or a list of facts. It’s about using words in ways that illustrate with precision and evoke deep, connected feelings. It’s about using movement (dance, yoga, walking) to create a container in which one moment of time is forever frozen, connected forward and back across all our lives to a greater Universal experience.

This is why I am a storyteller. It is not simply the writing or the photography or the yoga that compels me to tell these stories. It is the Universal nature of our experience. When I tell a story about a time I was bullied, other people can relate to the experience of being bullied — regardless of the context of my particular situation of bullying. When I tell a story of feeling the deepest, truest love, who loved me or why they loved me does not matter so much as THAT they loved me. And when you read a story about my experience of deep love, (my hope is that) it conjures in you a memory, a feeling of being deeply loved.

Part of my journey as a storyteller is to conjure those memories in you, and then to encourage and support you in telling your own stories. This encouragement comes through individual consulting, writing workshops, and gentle-excited editing. It happens when I tell a story, then suggest a way you might tap into a similar experience in your own life (through writing prompts or exercises). It comes when I share an image I have captured on film, and then ask to see your own images of a similar place. Or, when I have a profound experience on my yoga mat — something deep releases, a hidden fear or pain emerges and is worked through using asana and breath — and I am able to articulate that moment in words and share with you how I moved, how I breathed, how I came safely to the other side of my emotions, and how you may find similar safety in your practice to touch those deep and tender places in your own heart.

Telling a story isn’t just about words. It’s about the places behind the words. The places without words. The places that just are. That’s what my storytelling is about. And that’s what I am honored to share with each of you.

So, until the moment when this site goes live and is available for the whole world to read, I will continue to tell my stories, to encourage you to tell your stories, and add to the ever-growing web of stories we weave with one another to create exactly the world in which we want to live.

Namaste

 

Steeping in the Mystery

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“But one day, we’ll wake up, and we’ll be doing what we love and loving what we do, and the Mystery will bring us there, and we will wonder how we could have done anything else, but we know that everything else is what made this moment possible.

Isn’t that the beauty of the Mystery?”

I wrote these words over a year ago, during a particularly difficult time in my life when all seemed impossible and I needed hope. Today I discovered these words while pulling down resources for writing the weekly projects connected to my upcoming writing workshop. Which is perfect, because this workshop is ALL ABOUT the Mystery.

I haven’t said much here lately as I am up to my eyebrows in research and soul-search and experiencing the depths of my writing prompts and assignments. Finding the emotional space to put words together in coherent sentences seemed too overwhelming for more than 140 characters. Until today. With a full day off my other job and the whole house empty, I finally reached the point of grooving in my work. And it feels SO GOOD. I have missed this place of deep flow and connection with my own spirit.

So I got some good work done. And I still have time to work. I have the first of six weekly projects outlined. I have the structure of the workshop set, and am almost finished with the course description. I have already begun creating the “pre” email announcement list. (Want in? Drop me a note!) I discovered a bin to place of my resources and materials for the course so I can tote them up and down the stairs in my home. Pieces of language and experience are settling into place and I am beginning to believe that this actually happening, that I am actually DOING what my heart has longed to do for years.

I guess these words were a premonition of sorts, an omen of good faith. My heart believed in me, my spirit believed in me, and now I believe in me. I am reveling in the Mystery, sinking deeper into my soul-path, my heart journey. I am learning and growing in my own skin so that I am ready to share that journey with the women who want to go deep, dig into their heart-stories, in this workshop I am creating.

I am creating.

I AM creating.

Digging deeply into my own soul is a journey I wasn’t ready to take before my life changed. I was content to be asleep. And now, now I am alive with passion and gratitude and an excitement that is beyond measure. The Universe is handing me opportunities I can handle, and that I want. Ones I am ready for. Like attending the Yoga Journal Conference in SF and seeing Elizabeth Gilbert for my birthday. And a week-long intensive poetry workshop with Marge Piercy. So I am ready. I am opening my heart to all the possibilities that await me. I am believing that these things will happen, that I am able to participate in them, and that my dreams will continue to manifest as I step more fully into my strength, into my gifts, into my abilities as a human. As I am more open to the Mystery, the Mystery opens more to me.

The gratitude I feel is often overwhelming. And so delicious.

If you missed the announcement, I am still offering discounted writing consultations to raise funds for my trip to San Francisco. Also, if you are interested in being the first to hear about my writing workshop, a six-week course in digging deeply to discover our true stories, please send me a note and I’ll add you to my “pre-mail” list!

 

I am …

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Lately you can find me pondering the end to the sentence: I am …

In college, I wrote an essay for classed called “Who Am I?” which later because my first published essay. I was 17. It was all about how I struggled with accepting my identity and what it took for me to finally accept myself.

A lot has changed in the last 8 years.

These days I am reading words from Megg and Maddie and Jamie and stretching well beyond my comfort zone with 30 Days of Yoga. I am meeting resistance with self-acceptance, fighting heart truths and waving my own white flag. I am doing and reading and stretching and reaching and loving and crying and grinding to a screeching halt. And starting all over again.

One thing is true throughout this adventure:

I am.

So as I struggle to re/define myself as a creative being, following my bliss without the baggage of the past, I am letting go of the need to complete that sentence in this moment. Perhaps, like Maddie, I am working to earn the rest of the sentence. I have some ideas, a hint here and there of how it may go, but nothing is certain. And if the only constant is change, than I am moving gently with the current.

But one thing I know is true, and I am ready to claim it with the full weight of responsibility and strength:

I am a storyteller.

More on this coming soon! Stay tuned …

 

Camera Dreams (the Monday Me edition)

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This post is almost entirely for my pleasure.

Really. I don’t expect you to get much from it, except for an excellent picture of how one tiny thought may turn into an obsession.

This is my list of dream cameras:

* Diana F+ with (some) accessories: Well, come on. It’s the Diana. She’s like the lover I have sought my entire life. Small, light, and incredibly versatile, the Diana F+ is my dream, go-to film camera. And, given that I’ve been dreaming of having darkroom time and developing my own film (especially 120 medium format film), this seems like a perfect darling.

* Canon Rebel T1i: I have done research. I have read reviews. I have even played with the Rebel series at the local camera shop. Even though this one is discontinued now (due to the release of the T2i), this is DEFINITELY the DSLR for me. Also lightweight and easy to transport, paired with a 50mm 1.8 lens for portrait work and an adapter for using Diana lenses on a Canon body, this truly is the Dream of All Dream cameras for me.

* Lubitel 166: It’s funny. I’ve always been intrigued by TLR cameras, but I’ve never looked through the lens of one. In fact, I only just touched my first (an 80+ year old Rolleiflex) on Saturday. But I am SO hooked. There was something incredibly familiar about holding a TLR, about the thought of a waist viewfinder, of looking down and out into the world.

* Blackbird, Fly: Because 120 film is NOT always available, and I know that once I start shooting TLR, like all other cameras I have touched, I will want to shoot it often, I love this “plastic fantastic,” 35mm TLR. It’s lightweight, matches the Diana F+ color scheme, and has a tiny bird on the top. What’s not to love?

* Polaroid SX-70: I had a Polaroid growing up. It wasn’t a land camera, but that’s okay. I forgive it. This is the COOLEST Polaroid I have ever seen. In my LIFE. And, with the Impossible Project now producing film for the SX-70, I just need to win the eBay bidding war and get myself one.

And lastly, while not specifically a camera, I want a darkroom. In my basement. No, really. I want a darkroom. Magic happens in the darkroom. And, I would be cool. (At least, I would feel cool. And it would satisfy my inner control freak.)

There you have it. My full confessions to being a camera whore. I admit, I am so excited by the endless photographic possibilities of a few good bodies, it’s unbelievable. CAMERA bodies. Come on, I’m not THAT naughty.